SUBMISSION NO.11

Did you know that you’re hurting, on the inside and outside, and the person that hurt you has been bullying you, and keeping you down your whole life?  She’s looking you right in the face and you’re looking right back at her.

 

You feel like you can’t catch a break. You feel like a bad person and you feel bad for yourself. That makes you feel even worse. You live your life day to day constantly going from one emotional extreme to another. It’s been so long. You have all of the support that you need but you still feel helpless and can’t express your feelings to anyone. Even if you talk to them, what if they don’t feel bad for you? What if they distance themselves even further that you think they already have?

 

You live a life of privilege and you have no reason to struggle. You feel shallow. When people reach out to you, you only disappoint them. You get unnecessarily attached to people who don’t care as much as you want them to. Because of that, you want to spare people the constant burden that you give out to them and anyone that is ever nice to you by isolating yourself.

 

Even when you think you’re making progress you realize you’re only ever going to be moving backwards.

 

Why are you so selfish? Why are you so hateful? Don’t you realize that no one will respect you if you continue to live like this? You’re in a constant state of grief over nothing that’s worth grieving for. Don’t you realize how many people are hurting because of your failed promises and neglect for the help that you have been offered?

 

Look, I’m sorry, I see you, I feel you and I know that you’re hurting.

 

And I can’t help but say what you keep telling yourself. You’re your own worst bully. And I’m just reminding of you of that.

 

Self affirmation is the hardest thing for you to do, because after years worth of confrontation and upset outbreaks with people that have come and gone in your life, you know you’re the bad guy, and now you’ve devoted your life to getting beaten down by those who don’t want to hurt you. And you never want anyone to feel the same pain that you do.

 

And you know you’re not the only one that struggles with this, which you see as both a blessing and a curse, because you love and empathize with people, yet you can’t seem to do that for yourself. You can’t seem to acknowledge that deep down your feelings are just as important as anyone else who is grieving as well.

 

Long story short, you don’t think you deserve to be allowed to grieve. You’re not worthy of the support that comes with it.

 

Maybe today you’ve made peace with that.

 

I’m here to tell you that, it is always okay not to be okay, even if I have to grind it in your head over and over. If you need support a million different times, you must seek it out.

 

If you feel that you’re too much of an attention seeker and you sound like a broken record talking about how sad you are, if you feel like you’re too vulnerable then fine, that’s where you are, that’s what you need to acknowledge.

 

I don’t say this because I feel bad for you, I say this because it’s the truth.

 

You are sad, I say this because it is the truth.

 

You are currently within your abyss, I say this because it is the truth.

 

I will also tell you that you are strong, I say this because it is the truth.

 

You are sensitive, I say this because it is the truth.

 

You are awkward, I say this because it is the truth.

 

You are eccentric, 

 

You are observant, 

 

You are loud, 

 

It’s not always possible to choose happiness because you know and you’ve tried and that is your truth.

 

The way you want to live right now is to let the days pass, and if that’s because you’re tired then that's okay.

 

Whether you experience goodness or badness, virtue or sin, all you want is to let your river take you where it will.

 

The easiest thing you can do, is heal with time.

 

Let the dissatisfaction with yourself rage out as it needs to.

 

In the end you know you’re hopeful, keep reminding yourself that you are hopeful. No expectations, just hope.

 

I’m sorry for hurting you, but I know you will heal, and I will be right there next you, trying my hardest just like you’re trying your hardest.

 

Did you know that you’re hurting, on the inside and outside, and the person that hurt you has been bullying you, and keeping you down your whole life. She’s looking you right in the face and you’re looking right back at her.

 

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