SUBMISSION NO.9

I have a confession to make: the most difficult thing in the world for me is to be honest. Not only is it intimidating, but the honest words just will not come out of my mouth in the way that I want them to.

 

A few weeks ago, I was staring at my journal, my sad, imperfect, uncooperative bullet journal. For those of you who don’t know, a bullet journal is an organizational system, almost like a planner but more complex. Nowadays on platforms such as social media and Youtube, the bullet journal has taken off as the most aesthetic and productive way of life. People include amazing drawings and quotes and charts to show off to the world. Because of this, I felt extremely pressured to have the most beautiful bullet journal ever. Unsurprisingly, this did not last very long as the perfectionist in me would not allow the tiniest mistake to leave a mark without ripping out all of the pages and starting all over again, or in the most common case, just giving up altogether.

 

It took me a long time to realize, but honesty and self-growth cannot manifest itself in a perfect, easy to understand manner. For me, perfection, that’s the complete opposite of honesty. One evening, something came over me, and I decided to take out my imperfect bullet journal and just write the most honest journal entry that I could. It was ugly, it was illegible, it was not a flowy, deep essay. It was written in scrappy bullet points. 

 

So here it is, an un-numbered amount of the least sheltered, honest facts about me (in bullet points):

 

• I am the most awkward person you will ever meet.

• My hands and thumbs hurt.

• Starting high school was weird for me.

• I am a wannabe, lame high school kid who wants to be on the cross country team with lots of friends when in reality, all of my “friends” are just friend crushes.

• I have a desperate desire to be liked, especially on Instagram.

  • I guess more so that having the ideal appearance, I wanted the most nostalgic, perfect, high school experience.

    • This high school experience looks like what you see on VSCO, in rom-coms, and Disney Channel (or as I described it, a rowdy teen life with anklets, hydro flasks, and vintage-looking tacos).

• More often than not, I don’t know how my mind works.

• Sometimes it’s too hard/embarrassing to embrace what I love and want.

  • I am a geeky cook and an amateur-sometimes-vegan. 

  • If I could, I would be a middle-aged Martha Stewart mom who follows the Marie Kondo lifestyle.

  • I want to live in a messy, comfy, and perfectly decorated 100 sq ft apartment.

  • I want to embrace other cultures (sometimes more than my own Indian heritage).

    • No one will ever understand my love for learning Spanish and my fascination with Latino culture.

  • I am zero percent caught up on the meme/tik tok/music trends.

  • I have a huge obsession with Bharatnatyam (that I feel like I’m not allowed to have).

  • I would rather eat American food than Indian food.

• I only pretend to like sushi.

• I hate going to car dealerships, banks, random appointments, distant relatives’/unknown family friends’ houses, and temples.

• I have deep, fluttery feelings about books that I read, but these feelings are indescribable. 

  • I want to feel things deeply, but sometimes that’s an exhausting thing.

• I love being the hostess.

• I overanalyze people in my life more than I should.

  • The only people that I can truly analyze are fictional characters.

• English is my favorite subject, but my hardest subject as well.

  • I hate the way writing in TPECPECC format makes me feel

• I get overly attached to TV characters (this one is too hard to admit).

  • Shawn from Boy Meets World

  • Monica from Friends

  • Luke, Lorelai, and Lane Kim from Gilmore Girls

  • Nia from Dance Moms (a real person)

  • Chetna from the Great British Baking Show (also a real person)

  • Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air

  • Tia from Sister Sister

  • Cody from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody

• I know the people whom I want to make deep relationships with (that sounds creepy).

• Just like Charlie from the Perks of Being a Wallflower, I feel like I am participating in life just by being present, even though I’m not physically interacting, all of the interaction is in my head.

  • Tor example, when I’m at the check out at Trader Joe’s and my mom is talking with the super nice cashier, I feel like I am a part of that conversation, even though I am not physically engaged.

• Since starting high school, a lot of things have changed about me.

  • Going with the flow is easier (in some aspects).

​

​